Why is it so hard for me to forgive? I hold grudges. One of my worst attributes, honestly. I feel like harboring these feelings and emotions somehow help me in feeling better. Almost as if my internal fire is going to be felt by the person who “wronged” me. Wronged in quotations because it’s all about perspective. Some...or most, for that matter, people probably wouldn’t be offended by the things that offend me. Or maybe they would, I don’t know...I don’t live inside anyone else’s brain. I will admit, I am a sensitive soul, reading too much into what others say or do. Honestly, it’s a bit pious of me, to think everyone’s actions or verbal interactions have anything to do with me. They don’t; in reality, I think I know this. “Think” being the key word there, for if I truly believed it, then why do I get so offended?
It’s exhausting, really, constantly overthinking conversations to decipher what he/she might have truly meant by his/her comments. Replaying it over and over, at nauseam, to see if I missed any subtle nuance in his/her voice or posture that may further prove my erroneous point. Maybe a person really can mean what they say, at face value...but that wouldn’t be any fun for my brain, now would it.
Anyway, I digress. I hold on to these feelings of angst, disappointment, and hurt like there’s going to be an exam over who did what, and, by golly, I’ve got the dag gone answers. I. Am. Ready. But, is there a test? No. Do the people who have wronged, offended, or hurt me, care about these pent up emotions? Not in the least. Who is affected, though, by these feelings of, to quote the Grinch, “not-niceness!” Oh yeah, its me. I am punishing myself...smart, right?
So how do I not hold grudges? How do I let go and forgive? I’m asking honestly. I’ve prayed about this, honestly.
It’s funny, isn’t it? God’s timing. For one of the subjects of discussion during my most recent Bible study was, none other than, forgiveness. Some of the verses we looked at included: Leviticus 19:17-18, Matthew 5:23-24, Matthew 18:15-17, Matthew 18:21-35, Luke 17:1-4, Collossians 3:12-14. You think God knew we were going to have a hard time with forgiving our brothers and sisters? I don’t think I’m alone in this struggle; it’s spelled out so many times throughout the Bible, I can’t be the only one who needs to read them. I think, a good way to summarize the above verses (and I say “think” because I am no theologian or Bible scholar), would be to say that if you love God, or have God in you heart, and value Him above all else, and we are to love our neighbor as we do Him, then we ought to forgive, likewise, our sister and brother in Christ as He forgave us. It’s not easy, and I pray to be better every day. But, how lucky are we that God gave us instructions, a road map, blueprints to a DIY self-improvement project! All we have to do is read it, study it, and practice it.
“… and forgive us of our sins, as we forgive those who trespass against us…”
So today I pray…
Lord, I come to you today in awe of everything you’ve done and everything you’ve created. Lord, I thank you for the passages you set before me this week to help me in forgiveness and to help me be a better Christian. Going forward, may I have the love in my heart to forgive others and love them anyway. It’s not my place to judge, and, Lord, how thankful I am for that. Father, please forgive me of my sins, and help me to help others through my struggles. It’s in Jesus precious name I pray
Amen
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